Ya Tuhan

 

The day is the fear that I have imagined all this time, I always pray, O Allah, smooth my fortune so that I can provide the best treatment for my father because when my mother was sick until she died, I as a child could not give the best because I lacked everything, but in reality until the moment I feared happened I was still like before, helpless and unable to do much, do you know, O Allah, that it is truly very painful, sad, disappointed, sick, hateful, angry, all become one, I cannot describe my feelings, O Allah why, why, what other prayers... will I forever be just a useless loser... the path I have chosen is truly steep, although I remain convinced that there is something beautiful at the end of this road.

 Oh God, how long will I have to go through all this, why does it seem like luck is not on my side, what did I do wrong, oh God, have my sins become so black in my heart that my little prayers for happiness in life are covered up? Oh God, is your servant not worthy of a little happiness, because of my sins, answer me, oh God, answer all my questions, are you disgusted to hear the prayers of your servant who is full of sins so that you are reluctant to grant them, and like the previous days, the questions have not been answered, who knows until when... forgive your servant

My Hope

 

My two little motivators who are now grown up, sincere prayers always accompany them, the hope that they will not inherit the story of their parents' struggles in life, continue to grow to be better, achieve what you aspire to, we can only see your success without expecting anything in return. Our part is only to educate you. After that, let Allah decide.

IN MY SOLITUDE

 

sometimes i think what is the purpose of my life, men wake up to work sleep to rest and are given flowers when they are gone, what can you be proud of as a man. only my creator understands my situation, although sometimes HIS wishes are not as I expected.

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TO MY CREATOR

November 24, 2024

 I don't know.. This afternoon I feel bored with my life. I'm tired of living my days. I want to live freely, where I only do my desires, free to live my own life, without any burdens that I have to carry. Burden of thoughts, burden of feelings, and other burdens. I start to complain when my desires are not in line with reality.. Allah may know that I am in a phase that I really hate.. but please, O Allah.. lighten my heart for a moment. I know everything will be beautiful in time, but am I able to go through all this. When no one understands my current position. I need great encouragement from the people I love. Have they ever cared and asked what I really want?  They can only force me to be silent and only be able to see all the existing conditions, which make everything feel disgusting for me to go through..

Allah hug me for a moment.. I'm tired of facing all this :(

Today I said: "I'm tired Allah, I'm so tired of continuing my journey. Everything I do is never enough, I'm tired of everything, I can't do it, I can't do it. Why is suffering never far from me, why is my struggle so hard. But I want to win Allah, I want to keep fighting with YOU, I want to reach the finish line. Until You say it's finished, then I'm willing to leave this world in peace. "

Then Allah said: "My child, actually the burden you carry is not much. I'm more tired than you, I have to see and hear and even pay attention to you all the time. All your desires, your needs, not to mention your prayers for your friends, your brothers. Even if I write everything here it won't be enough. Calm down My child, I know it won't be easy for you to go through all this. I often see you fall, you cry, you scream at Me. I hear every scream of yours.  I see every drop of your tears. I appreciate your struggle to always rise from every fall. I love you. Don't let yourself become weak and indifferent, try harder, try to make Me smile. Fight to get the crown of glory that I have provided. I have prepared a place for you with Me. I am always with you, in every step you take, in every breath you take, in every drop of your tears, in every effort you make to rise. Do it with love, do it with gratitude. Don't be afraid, I am near you, always in your heart. Because I LOVE YOU... I love you with all My heart."